I Come To You When...

I come to you often, unaware of what to say. Words travel through my mind with such urgency…spilling from my finger tips in search of the solace you provide.

The quite clicking of the keyboard is the only sound I really hear. As I fill the page with my thoughts and emotions, I realize that a small part of me is left behind with each post that I share.

There is an intimacy in writing that keeps me returning to you. My mind speaks, while the stark white page listens. We communicate in a language developed by trust…

I come to you often, when there is an ache inside my soul. How many things have we shared, knowing it will never be read by anyone? Thank you for holding the outpouring of dreams, prayed during the silent moments. Writing allows me time to catch my breath. It forbids me from reacting with an emotion that is quick fleeting, or an action which may be unforgivable.

The typing slows and for now, my thoughts are released. Always know I will come to you...when.

Domestic Violence in Islam

Every 15 seconds in the U.S. a woman will become the victim of Domestic Violence. As women, mothers, daughters and Muslimas we have to speak out. If we know of someone who is being abused and say nothing, we are continuing the cycle of abuse. If you are the victim…get help! It may seem impossible but take the first step my sister.

This issue affects women around the world, Muslim and non-Muslim. Domestic violence is not limited to nationality, ethnicity, religious beliefs or social status. May Allah give us all the courage to speak out…and if needed, to GET OUT!

February 13TH 2010 is Purple Hijab Day. Unfortunately even in our very own Muslim communities, the lives of our sisters are being ended often at the hands of a “loved one” Let us remember Asiya Hassan who was murdered at the hands of her husband. She is a representation of thousands of cases (most never even reported) which occur in this world every day.

Domestic violence, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. The information below is from a Domestic Violence website.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you:
• Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:
• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Criticize you and put you down?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed to see your friends or family?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Does your partner:
• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

Does your partner:
• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• Constantly check up on you?

If any of these signs are a part of your life, please seek help. Let us give a voice to this horrific tragedy. No matter what your abuser says, you did nothing to deserve this behavior!

A Winter Wonderland & My Pet Peeve

I decided to come out from my warm little corner…it has been snowing on and off here since last Thursday. And yes, I love every single flake.

Now with the “Blizzard 2010” (the media named it, not me) comes the opportunity to observe both the best, and the not so good in our fellow man. Neighbors helping each other dig out from one of many white lumps…hoping it is in fact, their car being rescued. Stores marking their prices 3 times the normal price, you are part of the bad part in mankind, this is good example of riba.

Subhan Allah seeing the city dressed in mounds of pure white snow is stunning. Photographers of all ages are out capturing this rare site. The White House and government buildings closed…city sidewalks vacant of the usual hustle of daily commute. I can actually walk down the middle of any main street and not see any traffic. The solitude is delicious.

Now I have a little pet peeve. Okay, so we know I am not a whiz on the internet. In fact, let the record state (when did this become a legal thing, lol?) that the only social network I like is Twitter! Nobody can post more than their allotted characters, unless they add this Twitter longer thing. So my peeve is, now everything is either linked to face book or my space. Sometimes I see a post and I think, “Oh interesting let me check it out” so I click…and low and behold, another link to join someone’s face book before I can see the link! Argh…no, I won’t become your “friend” and I don’t want to vote for your page. I only wanted to see the link posted.

Friendship is a gift that takes time to develop and is reciprocated by all involved. So just because someone fills out some information to join you…it doesn’t make them a friend. Let’s not become so attached to a social network, that we forget how to interact as humans in life.

Okay my pet peeve has been properly vented, smile. I think I will return to my winter wonderland. And, I don’t have to join anything to enjoy it insha'Allah. Stay warm everyone!

The Hearts Rhythm

Where does my heart go when I abandon it? When it is intentionally starved of love and affection…yet is must remain beating to an unsure rhythm that keeps me alive.

Fragments of promises made and lies revealed are located in my mind. I keep them as reminders of what happens when I trust.

I can no longer keep my hand extended, hoping to feel yours giving me protection and comfort. May I have patience to stay firm in my beliefs while moving forward in my time, at my own pace.

Please let me never hear the words of future plans that have no foundation to build on. Today is all that I can trust, and all that I can give you.

Where does my heart go when I abandon it? It goes to a place of constant fear and worry. I feel it tighten inside my chest as if warning me of more hurt to come.

I miss conversation that is shared by two. While words have power, they can never give the intimacy of a human voice.

My heart can not trust anymore. My guard for my heart is more secure than ever, it is my responsibility to protect me…I refuse to automatically believe someone because he or she is Muslim.

It is not the faith that I question, it is the actions, which have earned this response…there has been enough damage done to my heart and my spirit. I need to rest and not react.

Where does my heart go when I abandon it? Insha Allah it turns to Allah subhana wa ta’ala…its creator. All praise to you Allah for hearing the silent cries and pleas that come directly from my soul…and giving me all that is best for me. Insha Allah I will take better care of myself Ameen.

No More Vacancies

So has my mind changed about marriage? The answer is located somewhere within this post. Let me first thank all who read the first post “S.O.S. to My Brothers!” Your comments gave me some insight and after re-reading, I thought a follow up might be welcomed.

What I learned was some brothers are very supportive and even empathetic with the status of the unmarried sisters within the Muslim community. But the situation is still unchanged.

The increasing ratio of women to men doesn’t seem to be helping the situation. The sisters chances for finding the brother best suited for her, may take a little longer than anticipated...have patience and never give up believing.

Alhamdulillah fortunately I do not believe in chance. I place my trust in Allah subhana wa ta’ala. I know He will forever guide me to what is best for my life as a Muslima. The question remaining now is, what do I do in the meantime?

Recently I have spent way too much time thinking about marriage! Yes I know it is half of my deen, but right now, that half is not in the immediate future. Alhamdulillah what if marriage doesn’t happen for me, does my purpose in this life cease to go forward? No…on the contrary, while I am “single” this time is best spent increasing myself in Taqwa. Raising my level of iman and sabr (patience) because this is what is most important.

Do I still want to get married? Yes. This means complete submission. I have to know without a doubt, that if there is a brother out here for me Allah will bring us together. There are no stipulations attached to Allah’s plans for his servants, only that I (we) trust Him only and obey.

Smile, I will never say “I refuse to be a co-wife, or “I am woman enough for him.” These are statements born out of fear and possibly insecurity. How can a woman deny her husband what Allah has ordained? Or, why would a husband agree to his wife’s demand of monogamy? Allahu A’lam…a gentle reminder I (we) will have to answer for all of our actions and thoughts. Marriage does not equate to the ownership of a person’s heart. Loving for the sake of Allah wants… what or who is best for the other person.

So I have decided to evict the ghosts of marriage, which have been residing inside my mind these past few weeks. In there place will be time for me to become a better Muslima insha Allah. I keep my heart and mind open to all possibilities. If my future husband is out there, know that I am striving to be the best I can for Allah swt and the ummah.

There are no longer any vacancies in my mind, to ponder over thoughts which I have no control.