March 26, 2010

Peanut Butter & Crackers...

I’m sitting here in my pajama bottoms and an old “Rolling Stones” tee shirt, eating peanut butter and crackers. Why didn’t I get something to drink while I was in the kitchen? Anyway, okay so here’s the thing…I am warning you ahead of time, that this post is a combination of random thoughts and feelings over the past few days etc. The probability of it making sense to anyone (other than me) is slim to none (smile).

Over the past 48 hours I have had…oh, about fifteen combined hours of sleep. I don’t even try and fight it anymore. Insomnia has become a dear friend. Wednesday, my housemates were away so I had some “me” time. Usually I am always in hijab if they are here, only because I never know when someone will want to pop in and say “Hi”…or want to talk for awhile.

So whenever I have time to myself, immediately the hijab comes off and I throw on some jeans and tee and just unwind! I fixed a yummy dinner for myself, set the table and lit the candles. Just because you are eating alone, doesn't mean you can't make it pretty. And anyway, if you don't treat yourself with kindness. how can you be kind to others? I spent the rest of the night reading, chatting with my you bunches, and just doing little things around the house. The best was waiting for Fajr and all the beauty and stillness of the early hours.

Lately I have a sense of new adventure standing on my horizon. Alhamdulillah, I am keeping my heart and mind open. And by possibilities (I mean a husband, wink)I know he is out there on this great big planet. You hear stories about how people meet...only to discover they have lived in the same neighborhood.

The other day I was thinking, insha’Allah this will be my 3rd Ramadan coming up, and how good it would feel, not be celebrating it alone. Don’t say Nazeeha be patient; I am trying my very best. This is where my endless optimistic outlook helps me.

You know I use to write little notes and keep them tucked away in this floral box on the top shelf of the hall closet. These were a combination of beloved memories, little trinkets from places visited or traveled. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my son… I came home, sat down and immediately wrote my future baby a letter. I was going to be a mom!

I wanted to share this immediate rush of love and hope that was inside me. It was several pages starting with the words “To my little life inside me” It ended with me promising to love him/her unconditionally until my last breath. That little life that was growing inside me, is now twenty-one and Masha Allah my love for him, is never ending.

Only Allah (SWT) knows what events will happen in my future. I have plenty of paper for many, many love letters and notes,insha’Allah.

See, I told you this was a combination of random thoughts. Hope there was a sprinkle of sense in between the bits and pieces. Well the peanut butter and crackers are all gone…off to get something to drink, bye!


Anonymous said...

That was a very nice story. And your right I didn't get half of it. =] That's okay though, it was still nice.